-Harry
I feel the lead is very informative and would help the reader wonder what the students are doing to make the campus a “greener” place. I think that if the lead was a tad shorter and concise it would really draw the reader in. I feel the angle that is being taken is that of the campus, it is informing people that there are students on campus who are trying to change the way the body life of the campus lives. I think the quotes that were used were helpful to the story, I think possibly adding a few more quotes from different students around campus may be beneficial to the overall story. I think possible just one example of how change works from the bottom to the top would be best. Just to help stay on the main topic of sustainability and having the campus become more eco-friendly. I think you are right about kind of giving the student body challenges, but then again we should be able to wake up the student body to do it naturally and see that the reward is having a healthy planet when they reach their 70s and 80s. I kind of feel like you talk about many aspects of becoming a more sustainable campus and I wonder if kind of narrowing down to just one aspect of the topic could be better than trying to hit every little thing about the issue.
-Taylor
My reaction to your lead was “oh wow” but I am not totally sure if it pulled me in. I wonder if you could just start off with how the coach battling cancer is coming back to continue coaching her UNE women’s lacrosse team for the 12th season. To kind of start off with the big OH? To really help draw the readers in to read the rest of the story. Then after you talk about how the coach was battling cancer she is back and ready to lead the women through the season. I think that the big paragraph could be broken down right when you switch from talking about the coaches to how the team was affected by the head coach suffering from cancer. The paragraph that talks about the women’s season I think could start off with how although the season started off rough they were still able to make it to semifinals. I think that having quotes from the captains is a good idea. I think that if you could get a few quotes from the coach and possibly the assistant coaches it could help enhance your story even more. The background information is very well written and I like how you go from talking about last season’s struggles but end with how the team is coming back stronger than before because they have returnees, new freshmen, and their head coach back.
-Vic
Your lead really grabs the reader and that is very good. It is very informative and helps the reader know the paper is about students being sent numerous scam emails and the administrators needing to be brought into the issue. The quotes that were used were very helpful in backing up the story. I think that it may be more beneficial if there were a few more quotes, especially from students you know who have gotten the emails and if they have ever clicked on it thinking it was from Career services. I just feel that more students would be looking into this story more if they can clearly see they are not the only ones that are being scammed. I like how you include that it is not just students, or people from only UNE but another school in Colorado. Not to mention the addition of an article from the FBI is a nice touch because you are showing the reader how serious of a problem scam emails are. I think this story is very informative overall and more people should see that not all emails they are receiving are in good nature. But possibly a good way to end the story is to come back to UNE and have a last remark about the email scams that are occurring here to come full circle.
